People need love. Love is one of the principal ingredients that make up people DNA. Nevermind that nobody can define it; the mere idea of love is what makes the world go round.
Unfortunately, it’s also the thing that evokes colossal acts of stupidity in all people. This is because the second people couple up and start feeling loved, they automatically and simultaneously lose the ability to think logically and obey the law. It can’t be helped; scientists—and the hippies from the 70’s now coming off LSD—are baffled.
Take for example Bonnie and Clyde, Romeo and Juliet, and Samson and Delilah. All deeply in love. All epically stupid. Let’s examine…
Bonnie & Clyde
These two had machines guns, ammunition, and too much time on their hands. Add a mixture of love to the formula and pissed off FBI and what do you get? Target practice {Not to mention the waste of a perfectly good Ford Model-T, smt}.
Romeo & Juliet
There’s puppy love between horny teenagers and then there’s Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. Romeo and Juliet are the perfect example of love on steroids. Nevermind that they’re ficticious, Shakespeare does a pretty good job of illustrating why nothing good can come from love laced with puberty—Or love under the age of 25. Put puberty, love, and conflict together and what you’ve got is the most assinine thinking known to man. Hey Israelis, how bout playing dead so there can be peace on earth?
I’d say if a strong tranquilizer is your idea of conflict resolution you pretty much deserve to slip into a coma.
Fast forward to circa 2010 and Romeo and Juliet are the perfect example of why video games and ipods were invented.
Samson & Delilah
Any man who would give up a perfectly good head of hair, the ability to shake the Panthenon to the ground with his bare hands, the badassery to kick gladiator ass with the jawbone of another ass; all for a tramp he met over the weekend is in love. Or stupid. Eitherwayhe deserves to get chainedtoabuildingandhave his eyes poked out with a hotspear.
Ahhh, love. Better than any strong drink. Truth be told, despite lapses into stupidity and momentary insanity, ain’t love grand?
According to some people, hundreds of words are actually extinct or never existed at all. But not to worry, these people quickly coined the convenient rescue phrase: For Lack of a Better Word meant to fill the void that thousands of missing words have left behind. It’s really a philanthropic act.
Ninety percent of the people who use the phrase, for lack of a better word are word geniuses of the highest order. In fact, they are such geniuses that Meriam Webster can’t produce the words that express what they actually want to say. Google has tried but failed and apparently not even Wikipedia can help. It’s a catastrophe!
The other 10% of people who use the convenient phrase are also the same people who proclaim, “I don’t read” {which might explain why they can’t find the right word to begin with} or those who literally have too limited a vocabulary or are too lazy or exhausted to even bother finding the right word in conversation.
Hopefully the makers of this phrase are wrong. For lack of a better word should only be uttered by children under the age of five, extraterrestrials, and Gary Busey. Yet, strangely enough, these people never utter this phrase.
There are hundreds of thousands of words in every language so there is always a better word. If you don’t believe me ask Merriam Webster or her daughter in law, Wikipedia.
For many people, ‘Little Black Sambo’ was as much a part of childhood as Mother Goose nursery rhymes and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Ninety-five percent of black people have at some point in their lives been introduced to some form of Sambo and if they were old enough either broke into a rage like The Incredible Hulk or broke off running. For dark-skinned people everywhere particularly Indians, Blacks, and anyone whose skin color is less than a porcelain hue, Sambo is the equivalent of the boogey man or an elite army of KKK barely disguised in a small, black-like package.
People have tried to resolve the issue of Sambo by hiding it in foreign languages. The Japanese issued ‘Chibikuro Sambo’ and Chileans the ’Negrito Sambo’ but to no avail. Everyone had already learned to read and write and were speaking other languages, too, therefore, cleverly camouflaging Sambo in words and foreign titles wasn’t fooling people. Besides, black people in particular know Sambo no matter where he tries to hide, no matter what form he assumes.
People reserve a special hatred for Sambo when dressed up as common household items such as cookie jars and figurines although it’s easy to inspire rage in black people if one is friends with Sambo in any form—real, imagined or objectified. To ensure enemies simply express love or admiration for Sambo or happen to own almost any memorabilia from the early twentieth century. It’s a guarantee that black people will automatically connect the dots between Sambo memorabilia owners, slavery, Jim Crow, segregation, the KKK, the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr., the assassination of Malcolm X, the illegalization of spliff {1000} and the man who beat Oprah senseless in The Color Purple. White people will draw the line at Oprah and the punishment will be hard and swift: racists will immediately be labelled anti-Oprah terrorists whose great, great, great grandparents were anti-Oprah crackers.
After centuries of debate the verdict is finally in: ‘size DOES matter’. Common sense backs up this theory since people have spent the last one hundred years making everything significantly larger: The Empire State Building, Titanic, Jaws, Big Mac, Big Foot, etc, etc, etc. But adding to the confusion is a small subsection of society stubbornly clinging to the fantasy that size does not matter.
Keep in mind that these are very troubled down right shady individuals. The men within this group are those that claim they will “pull out” during sex or they “only want to get the head in”. The women are prone to radical bouts of denial, desperation, have settled, or are under the influence of love, alcohol or marriage—or any combination of these.
Main reasons why size matters:
People hate to squint.
People hate to ask, “is it in yet?”
People already have vaginas.
FYI: A panel of women and gay men who have actually climaxed during sex unanimously agree that the following analogies and others like them should be legally banned in every language {point being that the law of common sense has already informed everyone on the planet that only people with mini penis are capable of uttering such rubbish}:
“It’s not the size of the ship but the motion of the ocean”.
“It’s not the size of the tool but how well you can use it.”
“It’s not the size of the pen but how you write your name.”
If you’re still debating whether or not size matters, it’s ok. You’re understandably experiencing post traumatic shock. Ask yourself the following questions to clear up any confusion:
Have you seen a one inch dildo?
Do they make a one inch dildo?
Would you buy a one inch dildo?
The answer is no. So perhaps the better question is, “Is it big enough?”…
Nevermind. If you have to ask, the answer to that one is no, too. Don’t shoot the messenger.
When that James Bond movie declared, ”The World Is Not Enough” people paid $361,832,400 worldwide to confirm it so. It’s no coincidence that Star Trek and Star Wars are still popular among people either. These are pop icons for the same reason that Will Smith was officially crowned lord of the summer blockbuster for kicking gooey alien ass: people are territorial*.
People hate other people, animals, birds or fish—living or dead—inhabiting people territory {and by people territory I mean planet earth, the moon, any additional planets, distant galaxies, and everything else the Lord created when he was bored}. Not only that, people need indefinite amounts of territory to do peopley things in and when this basic people necessity meets anything else in existence shit hits the fan. Look what happened to Jaws in every goddamn movie he showed up in. And E.T. E.T! Thank heavens Drew Barrimore had that flying bicycle.
So what happens if people are denied territory? The Arab-Israeli conflict that’s what. Arabs and Israelis have been blowing eachother to shit for a century over said territory and there is no doubt more bloody bits will fly if people don’t draw a line in the sand somewhere. Just like the ravenous gangs of maverick piranhas chopping their way through South America, a people without territory are a people f*cking shit up.
{Don’t think about crossing that white picket fence to screw your neighbor’s wife/husband either. Just saying—bad idea.}
*That line in Independence Day where the American President asks the alien “can there be a peace between us?” and the alien basically responds “screw you” does not justify people territorialism because aliens don’t speak English.
Statistics show that 99% of people hate statistics. Everyone will confess that ignorance is bliss but almost no one will admit that ignorance is one of people’s favorite indulgences.
Statistics make it hard for people with conscience to remain comfortably ignorant. Generally, people do not want to know how many of the world’s population is starving, how many people are dying from any disease at any given time, or when the world will come to an abrupt end. As long as there are statistics people are held accountable for something which makes people feel guilty and people hate guilt {985}.
The number one benefit of statistics for people and the sole reason people tolerate statistics is because people like having hard evidence when they point fingers at someone else.
People hate guilt. Regardless of how wrong people are for something, people do not like feeling guilty about it. This the principal reason why people do not look forward to judgement day or meeting their maker. Rather than feel guilt people generally opt for some form of denial, rationalization or atheism.
It’s true, people hate big words. Although people invented them, it’s a well known fact that people never intended to use them in any conversation, at any time, with anyone. The only time people expect to encounter big words that they’ve never heard and do not know the definition of is when doing a crossword puzzle, after being dragged to a spelling bee or while desperately reading the dictionary or encyclopedia because all other books have somehow evaporated from the face of the planet. This explains why when encountering a sesquipedalian, the immediate reaction of 90% of people is to lapse into a hearing impaired coma and stay there until the word tsunami subsides.
Hatred or fear of big words and the need to avoid them at all costs is the reason people draw, make sounds, use gestures, and resort to texting and sometimes telepathy. Many people have boycotted reading entirely and text-speak is slowly taking over the world.
Some ridiculous words which are never to be used in real conversation and are included for your amusement only: callipygian (having well shaped buttocks), cataglottism (kissing using the tongue), gymnophoria (the sensation that someone is mentally undressing you), fagerasia (the act of looking younger than you are), colposinquanonia (estimating a woman’s beauty based on her chest), gambrinous (being full of beer), hippopotomonstrosesquipedalian (pertaining to extremely long words). For continued reading go to users.tinyonline.co.uk.
No, not aboard an aircraft. People want to fly—like eagles.
All people have draped themselves in a cape and dreamed of flight. Since people believe in Santa Claus, justice and world peace, the next logical step is the desire to sprout wings and take off. This obsession, which usually begins in childhood but advances into adolescence, is a rite of passage for people. English, Irish, German, Jew; Haitian, Bahamians and Christians, too—it’s how people around the world prove they are alive, and, occasionally, that they wish to die.
Even as adults many people refuse to accept that they are not birds. These people are skydivers, pilots, astronauts and fans of Superman. Many others exceed the speed limit when driving {#994}, bungee jump, participate in extreme sports or activities requiring great heights or speed, or smoke spliff {#1000}.
According to statistics, there is a tiny segment of the global population not preoccupied with flight. These people are born full grown and/or visit from a distant galaxy far, far, away…
It is highly unlikely that people will realize that they cannot be birds. As long as there are stars and clouds people will always believe that the sky is the limit and never make peace with gravity.
Let’s get something straight. People hate meetings. Meetings–-not procrastination–-are the thief of time. Meetings lead to meetings that lead to other meetings that lead to committees that organize even more meetings and on and on until people are either bored to death or bored to tears.
If you want to get people to hate you, call a meeting—immediately. Better yet, host regular meetings. Also, plan conferences and seminars which are exactly the same as regular meetings except they’re organized by ruthless people who have the audacity to charge for boredom. Workshops are also meetings cleverly disguised along with conference calls and sometimes ‘reply all’ emails. For extra enemies make meetings super early or late and make them mandatory. Mandatory early bird meetings guarantee there’ll be someone somewhere with your name on a voodoo doll.
It’s a good idea to note that people tend only to like meetings if there’s a ball, beer, or a big screen involved. Such gatherings are called games, bars and cinemas and are not commonly regarded as meetings since no one has to jot anything down, pay attention, look interested, or wear a monkey suit.
Since the beginning of time people all over the face of the planet have been oppressed by some version of ‘The Man’. In America, Asians, Hispanics and Blacks all testify to the antics of ‘The Man’. Of these no one has been affected by or hates ’The Man’ more than black people. ‘The Man’ spread AIDS, illegalized marijuana, and elected George W. Bush. Many people spend hours in impromptu meetings discussing all the ways ‘The Man’ has kept them down. Didn’t graduate high school? ‘The Man’. Can’t get a decent job? ‘The Man’. Overweight and overwhelmed? You guessed it: ‘The Man’.
Strangely enough, no one can accurately pinpoint who the man really is. But theories surrounding the true identity of this elusive villain are rapidly emerging. Some viable contenders are: drug enforcement officers along with, and particularly, anyone responsible for the illegalization of marijuana; CEOs of fortune 500 companies and other insanely rich people; Republicans; Democrats; KKK members past, present and future and anyone who has ever denied large groups of people what they wanted.
If you’ve ever failed the SATs, paid too much for a gallon of gas, listened to Don Imus or think the price of living if too high, you’ve had a close encounter with ‘The Man’ {Not to be confused with a man, or the once popular praise: “you the man”}.
Contrary to popular belief both women and men hate PMS. No matter who they are or what you’ve heard, men hate PMS because they are not always as tough as they seem and these three letters inspires within them the effeminate urge to run… It also translates into no sex for those who are fluent in menglish.
Women hate PMS for two very different, yet equally significant reasons:
1) Science has conveniently provided a denial mechanism for men to resort to whenever they are criticized by women for exhibiting any number of chronic jackass tendencies*.
2) Clever connections have been discovered between men and various cruelties inflicted upon humanity over many millennia such menstration, menopause and meningitis.
Although people won’t admit it PMS has made a positive impactoncivilization.It is the sole inspiration behind theinventionofhard hats, jock straps and Holiday Inn.
*the only time a man will ever win an argument againsta woman is when it’s rooted in science.
People love Michael Jackson. Every video of an MJ concert confirms this undeniable fact. We’ve all seen the images: millions of people—men and women, young and old, black and white—screaming, leaking tears, crippled with anticipation then succumbing to cardiac arrest at the mere sight of his silhouette. Sure he was eccentric—legends usually are—and there is no denying that the last few years of his life were definitely troubled and absolutely controversial. But it is impossible to listen to his life’s work, deny him the kudos he deserves and remain human.
When Michael Jackson performed people united, if only for a fleeting moment. He urged us to heal the world and we believed it was possible. Michael Jackson wanted to make the world a better place and in many ways, he has.
People need speed. This is why people hate speed limits. Episodes of the American TV show ‘Cops’ show that when faced with the prospect of arriving safely but slowly to any destination or folding into a tree, people generally opt for the tree. It’s a strange phenomenon.
Unfortunately speeding leads to another thing that people hate: speeding tickets. Further study shows that rather than risk owning a speeding ticket people assume alternate personalities, initiate hollywood-style high speed chases and engage the police in high powered ’suicide by cop’ shoot-outs. If given the option of many years in prison versus a speeding ticket, many people choose prison. It’s a strange phenomenon.
Everyone wants to dance. Deep inside people is the desire to step out on a dance floor, burn it up and be declared dance queen {or king} for one night; even if it’s once in a lifetime. Sure there are some people who have no right to dream this dream: 99.9% of white people, deaf people and anyone who has ever sang karaoke outside of Japan, but as long as there is music and beer people will always wish they moved like Michael Jackson, Elvis Presley or any of the characters from Dirty Dancing. In the meantime these people will bravely defy logic, swallow pride and embarass themselves and the rest of the human race. So the next time you see people drunk on the dance floor and they clearly have no idea what they’re doing just remember: they’re not dancing because they’re drunk, they’re drunk because they’re dancing.
Besides, the courage to put denial in motion is the #2 reason people invented alcohol in the first place.
